Thursday, May 3, 2012

A few things I'd like to say to Facebook users

Facebook lets us do a lot of things. A ton, really. But here are a few things I think everyone with a modicum of self-respect should bear in mind.

1. DO NOT like AND THEN and comment on your own post.
Please. Seriously. Really. Come on, it's pathetic. Let your friends react to what you post first so you don't come off as a friendless loser who just wants attention, liking and commenting to get your post noticed on the notification board. (And really, it doesn't even work. D'oh!)

2. DO put your own picture up on your page.
Your friends know just how f*cked up you look. They don't care. An anime character may be cute for someone in their teens, but at 26, man, get your mug up there. And please, don't even think of putting up a celeb picture up there, it's just...funny. No. Depressing. No. funny. Nah, really, depressing. Especially if you look nothing like him or her, even after a rake plows through your face.

3. DO NOT start or share your fights on your wall.
So you love her or hate her with a fervor that brings the Crusaders to shame. But don't you think lovers quarrels and petty catfights are too personal to share to the world? I mean, a lot of times, your grammar's wrong, your insults are weak and you whine like a wounded mofo. Would you like people to see that?

4. DO add friends that are, well, really friends.
Seriously. Add people who really know you and you would like to be in contact with. Don't fall into the fame-by-association trap. If you don't know a person, then the whole gamut of services Facebook offers is rendered senseless.

5. DO NOT tag people in your selling posts who have previously untagged themselves.
Sure, electronic commerce is cool. You can make a lot of money without even leaving your house. But if someone already untagged him or herself from a post you put up before, don't tag them in the next one just like it anymore. It. Is. Annoying.

6. DO choose your goddamn pictures.
You have a digital camera or a camera phone. Good. For heaven's sake, don't upload all the shots you take, weed out the out-of-focus ones. Or the ones with half a face or are incorrectly lighted. Or the pictures of your back pocket or the inside of your purse you accidentally took. The user content driven age we live in should seriously have some guidelines. Like a manual or something.

7. DO NOT stalk people.
If you have a crush on someone, man up and talk to her man. It's just pitiful to see all of the posts on someone's wall with one person trying to be cute and liking and commenting on every little thing there. Message her. Don't stalk her. You have a better chance just talking to her, than frightening her with all your (what you think are) cutesy little comments. Fudge.

8. DO friggin' spell and grammar check.
See those red squiggly lines below what you're typing? THEY'RE THERE TO TELL YOU THAT THERE'S AN ERROR IN YOUR SPELLING. Man. What? Avoid shaming yourself please. Worst case scenario: a pretend Grammar Nazi who should swallow his or her own pill.

9. DO NOT update us with everything you're doing.
So you're eating. Sleeping. Defecating. Watching. Picking your nose. Breathing. Existing. So effing what.  

10. DO log off.
Try talking to your friends or making new ones in real life. It's sooooo much more fun.

Got anymore ideas? Feel free to add your own.
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